Be Mine - Valentine's Day 2017

[londoncallingmods]

Lucky in love or not, London was a lovely place to find yourself on Valentine's Day. From romantic walks through various parks, to intimate dinners or shared deserts in the many restaurants and cafe's- There was something for everyone, because if wandering or dining wasn't for you, well, there were plenty of organised events to attend.

London couldn't claim to be the city of love, but it was certainly a city of possibilities.

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[faizel]

"It's good you have them at least. ...That must help, yes?" he asked, still stirring as he glanced over.

[akatawitch]

"Mm..." Sunny ticked off on her fingers to be sure she hadn't missed anything--vegetables, spices, broth, tomatoes, peanut butter, peanuts... And also it meant that she could affect coolness when she answered, "In the event that you meet my brothers, especially Chukwu, you never heard me say that I love them dearly."

She picked up the cayenne. "How hot can you go?"

[faizel]

Faizel chose to focus on the question, rather than dwell on the thought of meeting family. That was all a bit anxiety enduing, if he was honest.

"I have a high tolerance for heat, in the culinary sense. Please, make it to your liking."

[akatawitch]

Sunny squeaked with excitement and kissed his cheek. She could never love a man who couldn't handle heat.

... Not that she loved him. Hell, not that she knew yet.

"Ever had tainted peppers?" she grinned, adding cayenne and a liberal amount of black pepper to the mix.

[faizel]

He smiled softly at the kiss, hair falling in his face and prompting him to tuck it back behind his ears.

"No, I don't believe so."

[akatawitch]

"If you had, you'd know. We'll have to fix that someday," Sunny assured him. Satisfied, she put everything down and washed her hands. "Once that's stirred in, we can leave it alone for a while."

[faizel]

Faizel nodded a bit, returning to the task at hand. It was strange to stand over a pot like this, usually he just left things to stir themselves.

[akatawitch]

When her hands were dry, Sunny wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled his cheek. "Thank you. You can pick the movie. I was teasing, I don't actually mind learning about bird migration." She didn't, really, as long as some degree of snuggling was okay.

Though someday she was going to trick him into watching Amélie or something.

[faizel]

Faizel tensed a little this time, though he did offer a small smile to try and make up for it. He couldn't help it, he just wasn't used to having people in his space. He'd had a few students who were clingy, and it had always been overwhelming. All the hugging and touching- At the end of the day he'd needed to spend that much more time alone, quiet and isolated.

He knew he couldn't say that to Sunny though. She'd only get upset.

"I don't mind what we watch. Truly. ...May I use your bathroom?" he asked quietly.

[akatawitch]

"You already indulged me tonight, now it's my turn," she said. Sunny was not entirely ignorant of how introversion worked. Orlu, who was probably her best friend in the world, was perhaps not as introverted as Faizel, but certainly more than Sunny herself was. And Sunny in turn was more so than either Sasha or Chichi. She wasn't ignorant, but she was perhaps a bit out of her depth.

It was always disappointing when he flinched at her touch, but she could at least define it as overstimulated rather than repulsed and that helped. So she let him go with an easy, "Sure," and pointed in the direction. "Bedroom on the left, bathroom on the right."

Anyway, she needed to get some rice going and before he'd even left the room she'd started on that task.

[faizel]

Faizel nodded his thanks, certain he just needed a moment alone.

He used to be so good about hiding all this anxiety- Why was it so much harder around Sunny?

[akatawitch]

It didn't take very long for Sunny's yo-yo-ing mood and confidence to take another plummet once she had everything going in the kitchen. It crossed her mind that she should grab her knife and start cleaning up, but she had no real desire to do that. She'd tried to convince herself that this evening really was back on track, but there was still this niggling sense that they were dancing around a problem.

There was a part of her that wanted to go hide in her bedroom and wield her rabbit vibrator if he didn't go away. But that was stupid and she knew that was her bruised ego talking.

She sat down on her couch, hugged her legs to her chest, and rested her chin on her knees.

[faizel]

Faizel was gone slightly longer than he meant to be, but when he returned at last, he seemed calmer.

"Um, so that documentary. ...There's that one, or, um, there's one about sharks? I don't suppose either are terribly appropriate for the theme of the evening. What do people usually watch on valentines? Romantic comedies? ...I don't think I've ever seen a romantic comedy."

[akatawitch]

Sunny had only curled tighter into herself. She ignored everything he said and instead put forward her own question. "Is something wrong?"

[faizel]

Faizel looked over, then shook his head.

"No. I was feeling overwhelmed, but I took a moment to calm myself, and now I feel better," he said honestly. "It helps sometimes, when I feel- Overstimulated, I guess would be the word? Anyway, it helps to just take a moment to breathe. To remind myself that my worries are in my head alone. It's strange, I was getting so good at just- I don't know, faking it, I suppose. I could fake calm so well, and then- I stopped. Being able to fake it, that is."

He was silent a beat, and he looked thoughtful, rather than purely sincere, as he offered what he said next.

"I suppose it's just important I remain genuine around you."

[akatawitch]

Sunny very nearly told him to get the fuck out at the no, because that wasn't true, but the rest of it... well, at least he wasn't saying there was nothing wrong, either. And that she could work with.

Aside from the fact that it felt like being punched in the stomach.

"... Oh." She hid her face in her knees. Which entirely subverted her attempt at a nonchalant tone when she said, "I didn't think I was that scary."

[faizel]

"That definitely isn't what I just said," Faizel replied. "This isn't fear of you. It's a combination of anxiety of some sort, and a need to be, as I said, genuine around you."

[akatawitch]

"You didn't always have anxiety attacks around me," Sunny mumbled.

[faizel]

"I didn't always allow my anxiety to show around you," he countered calmly, going silent for a moment, then exhaling softly through his nose.

"I am as I am, Sunny. If you are not happy, say so. I don't wish to be the cause of your upset, but I can not pretend the way I once did. That person wasn't- He wasn't real. He was all false bravado and hidden fears. That man went home exhausted from playing up a persona, hating himself as attempted to be someone else, and imitated what passed for socially acceptable to the best of his ability. That man- That part- It was easier to play when it was once in a while. When it was all just- A maybe. This is real, this is genuine, and I wish to keep it that way. However, if you are not content, I will go. No hard feelings. I will accept your choice, and I will leave you to pursue someone more prepared to give what you desire."

[akatawitch]

Sunny couldn't look at him. She wanted to rant, she wanted to swear at him. She wanted... well. He had warned her. But she hadn't understood. Hadn't understood what he was really keeping from her, the breadth and the depth of it. So she'd just tried--not always very well, but she'd tried--to pull herself further and further back to keep from upsetting him. She was quiet for a long time, letting herself give in to an idea that had uncomfortably been sitting with her since Halloween.

"... If that's how it is," she murmured, tears of frustration and humiliation stinging her eyes, "we have no business trying to make anything romantic happen here."

[faizel]

"I don't believe that, but- I will go then," Faizel replied quietly. He still believed all that was required was time. He had thought he was improving constantly, but Sunny clearly did not, and seemed to have no interest in waiting longer. That hurt, but he accepted it. He wouldn't demand anything from her she was unwilling to offer.

Getting to his feet, he slipped his hands into his pockets and looked down at the ground.

"For what it's worth, I was happy, and I was trying to improve. I apologize for being unable to do so as swiftly as you wished. Know that I have enjoyed our time together very much, and care for you deeply. ...I hope that despite your unhappiness we can remain friends. For now, however, I will leave you in peace. Goodnight, Sunny. Be well, and not a stranger to my door."

[akatawitch]

Sunny's fingers dug so hard into her palms that she drew blood. Her voice was high and tight, on the verge of hysteria. "I need you to stop talking and leave right now."

[faizel]

Faizel didn't fully understand where the anger was coming from, but he understood enough to take her words literally. Nodding, he said nothing more as he turned to see himself out.

The last thing he wanted was to upset Sunny more than he already had tonight. He only hoped that in time they'd be able to sit and discuss this all as friends.

[akatawitch]

The sound of the door closing was all the permission Sunny needed to go to pieces, melting across the couch and bursting into tears. She had to do things like figure out what she was going to do with dinner, with the flowers... and none of it mattered then. Not a fucking bit.