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There wasn’t really a word for Sunny’s mood. It’s wasn’t deep enough for sadness, it wasn’t gray enough for numb. The paper shredder in her belly wouldn’t even properly start up. If anybody asked her, she’d just call it… crying. That was her mood. Crying. Every once in a while, she’d be going about her day and then suddenly she wouldn’t be able to see clearly and her face would be wet. It wasn’t even proper sobbing or anything, her eyes just leaked. Maybe that was the right word--leaking. She didn’t much want to think about what the effect was.
It wasn’t like she hadn’t expected this. Not like Faizel hadn’t told her before about how hard it was to… people, basically. Not like he'd disappeared from her life completely with no way to reach him. There had been a goodbye, and it had been amiable, and she had been able to do it with a smile. She’d even been smart enough to ignore her id’s urging to ask for one last kiss, just because she knew if he’d flinched again she wouldn’t have been able to take it.
It wasn’t like she’d never have feelings for someone again or anything. She wasn’t even twenty-three yet.
But it was like... like she was trying to start her ignition and couldn’t get the engine to turn over. She could do stuff, she wasn’t paralyzed, but she was waiting for the day to actually start and it never quite seemed to do it.
Later in the afternoon she spent a rather aimless hour spent in a bookstore trying to find something that appealed. She tried. She picked things up and read cover blurbs and first pages, but nothing seemed to grab her.
And then she was leaking again, and the shop girl was looking at her funny. She knew this was the time to quip, but there was that cold engine leaving her not without words but without any fire to wield them properly. So she just left. Her vision meant that she bumped into someone she should have seen coming, and this required no particular feelings, so when she smiled and apologized, it was almost normal.
“Sorry,” she said, like her eyes weren’t leaking. “I didn’t mean it.”
It wasn’t like she hadn’t expected this. Not like Faizel hadn’t told her before about how hard it was to… people, basically. Not like he'd disappeared from her life completely with no way to reach him. There had been a goodbye, and it had been amiable, and she had been able to do it with a smile. She’d even been smart enough to ignore her id’s urging to ask for one last kiss, just because she knew if he’d flinched again she wouldn’t have been able to take it.
It wasn’t like she’d never have feelings for someone again or anything. She wasn’t even twenty-three yet.
But it was like... like she was trying to start her ignition and couldn’t get the engine to turn over. She could do stuff, she wasn’t paralyzed, but she was waiting for the day to actually start and it never quite seemed to do it.
Later in the afternoon she spent a rather aimless hour spent in a bookstore trying to find something that appealed. She tried. She picked things up and read cover blurbs and first pages, but nothing seemed to grab her.
And then she was leaking again, and the shop girl was looking at her funny. She knew this was the time to quip, but there was that cold engine leaving her not without words but without any fire to wield them properly. So she just left. Her vision meant that she bumped into someone she should have seen coming, and this required no particular feelings, so when she smiled and apologized, it was almost normal.
“Sorry,” she said, like her eyes weren’t leaking. “I didn’t mean it.”